Author: Rose Grundy

Compassionate Mindfulness

Posted on by Rose Grundy in Reflections

‘Mindfulness’ has become something of a buzzword over the past few years, leading to hundreds of products and services to be sold under its name.  Colouring books, teabags, digital apps and exercise classes – there seems to be a myriad of ways to access the benefits of being ‘mindful’ and they’re all available now!  In many ways it is wonderful to see mindfulness growing in popularity as a way of positively impacting wellbeing, however mass marketing has watered down the true nature of this deep and ancient practice meaning the heart of what being ‘mindful’ is really about is becoming misunderstood.  So what is mindfulness, really?

Mindfulness practice is about developing a warm, caring and honest relationship with ourselves and with life in order to gift ourselves a gentler way of being with our experience, even when it is difficult.  So whilst there are many products and practices to help us focus our mind and be ‘in the now’, true mindfulness is more than just the ‘mindful moment’.

Mindfulness practice is often described as being like a bird with two wings – awareness and compassion –  and this metaphor reflects the importance of developing both of these qualities in balance.  A simple way of describing mindfulness is that it is the practice of bringing a curious and non-judgemental attention to our experience of being, and allowing it to be as it is. Mindfulness is like a gateway into our experience and all it encompasses – our thoughts, emotions, physical feelings, urges and actions – and compassion is what meets us at that gateway with curiosity, patience, non-judgement, courage, trust, empathy and tolerance.

This is why I always use the term ‘Compassionate Mindfulness’ – to provide a clear reminder that mindfulness is compassionate at its core, and that awareness alone can be stark and at worst unforgiving, harsh and unhelpful.  When we embark on the inward journey of self-awareness we need to equip ourselves with the right tools and support.  Just as we would never set off on a long walking trail without a map, a compass, water and snacks, we cannot expect ourselves to tread the path of inner discovery without developing the supportive and guiding qualities of compassion.

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self-care

Posted on by Rose Grundy in Reflections

When we think of self-care we might conjure up images of scented candles, bubble baths and spa days.  But this is really only a small part of what true self-care represents.  So what is self-care, really?

If we reflect on what care really means it refers to an ability to ‘tend to’ something or someone.  And in order to do this effectively we need to be interested, to be able to pay attention, and to have both a desire to help and the wisdom and know-how to exercise it effectively.  These are all qualities of compassion.

Most people have a substantial capacity for compassion and care, and I would say that this is an innate human quality.  But all too often it is directed outwards towards others, and receiving it is more of a struggle, whether that is from others or from ourselves. Many of us are extremely self-critical, self-doubting and self-judgmental, and extremely low in self-compassion.  We don’t know how to take care of ourselves and we have absorbed a false idea that self-care is selfish, morally wrong, or indulgent in some way.  But this couldn’t be more wrong!

True self-care requires a lot of us.  It requires us to be aware, to be honest with ourselves, to be determined and courageous, to be patient and to have a non-judgemental and empathetic relationship with ourselves.  We need to be able to see when we need attention, and to know what we need.  Of course at times that may be to slow down and to do something pleasurable for ourselves like getting a massage.  But sometimes it might be to challenge ourselves and our patterns of being, to let go of old habits and to develop new ones and this can ask a lot of us!

With compassionate intention and practice we can develop the means to find new and helpful ways to care for ourselves that bring a sense of lasting wellbeing.  And in turn when we develop a more supportive, encouraging, curious and playful relationship with ourselves, we can be braver, more adventurous and make the most out of our lives.

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‘Practice’ in therapy

Posted on by Rose Grundy in Reflections

I use the term ‘Therapy and Practice’ to describe Heartstrong in order to illustrate a holistic approach that focuses on mind and body. But what does holistic mean and what does practice refer to?

Our modern medical model makes an erroneous distinction between physical and mental health. It splits up our bodies into different parts that apparently behave independently of each other. But this doesn’t make sense. Our minds and bodies are in a constant state of synergy, and we cannot distinguish them as separate entities for the sake of convenience. When we are suffering with our mental health, our bodies suffer too. And when we are suffering with ill physical health, our mental health is often affected.

Describing an approach as ‘holistic’ refers to an acknowledgement that our difficulties reside in our whole being, not just in our minds. To ignore our bodies in talking therapy is to discount a significant and valid element of our experience, and to minimise the ways in which we can draw on our whole being to influence and enhance our overall state of wellbeing in positive ways, both in and outside of the therapy space.

Practices using the mind and body are often used in a therapeutic process as a part of treatment. A helpful way to think of practices is that they can follow two pathways – ‘top-down’ practices (a way to use the mind to influence the body) and ‘bottom up’ practices (a way to use the body to influence the mind). For example, a typical top-down practice might be a visualisation exercise such as ‘safe place’ imagery, where we use the mind to imagine a place that elicits a multi-sensory experience of being calm, and in response our body feels more grounded and soothed. And a typical bottom-up approach might be a rhythmic breathing exercise where we use the breath to help calm and soothe an anxious mind.

When we ‘practice’ something, it generally means we learn something new and then apply it, often in a repetitive way. What we know from modern neuro-science is that our brains are ‘plastic’, that is they are able to adapt and change according to how we live. So practising something different, whether that be mental or physical exercises or behavioural change, can genuinely create new neural networks in our brains and help to create a greater sense of well-being.

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How to choose a therapist

Posted on by Rose Grundy in Reflections

Many people ask me for advice when they are looking for a therapist, whether they are doing this for the first time, or because they are seeking specific support during a time of difficulty, or facing a new challenge.

Finding a professional in any service can be a difficult decision-making process, but choosing a therapist can feel particularly daunting because this is someone that you will be opening up to in a very personal way.  It often requires real courage, especially if you are reaching out at a time when you are feeling low or anxious.

I always encourage people to do their best to feel empowered in making this important decision for themselves, because although you are seeking help from another, you are essentially employing someone to provide you with a service and it is you who is in charge of this process.

So, where to start?  I hope the following guide might be helpful.

1. Take a bit of time to write down some points for yourself to start giving you some focus.  Ask yourself some general questions like ‘what do I want out of therapy at this time?’ or ’what am I struggling with right now?’

2. Then think about the practical considerations you need to weigh up such as when you will be free to attend sessions, whether you want to meet in person or online, what your budget is financially, whether you have a set time limit or want a more open-ended format, and any needs that may be specific to you, for example do you have accessibility requirements?

3. Write down anything that is important to you around the kind of therapist you are looking for – are things like age, gender or ethnicity significant for you?  Do you require a therapist who can speak a language other than English?

4. What about the kind of therapy you are looking for?  Is there a particular modality you are familiar with or wish to try? Is it important to you to access a specific approach, or do you want to ask potential therapists about the way they work? Remember: being specific about an approach can have pros and cons.  On the one hand it can be a helpful way to narrow your search and give you a focus.  However it is worth bearing in mind that research shows us that regardless of the modality of therapy, it is the therapeutic relationship that is most significant to positive client outcomes.  So it is not always necessarily the ‘how’ that will determine whether therapy is helpful.

5. Once you have your list of requirements, start doing your research.  You may want to ask people you know for a personal recommendation, or use a website with a search facility such as Counselling Directory or BACP, or just start off with a Google search and see where it takes you.

6. Make sure that the therapist you choose is a member of a professional body such as BACP, UKCP, BABCP or another.  This will mean that they are fully qualified, their work is monitored professionally and they follow a strict Code of Ethics.  Professional bodies all have official complaints procedures, so you know you are working with someone who is fully accountable.  Remember: some therapists have accreditation which is indicates they have been through a rigorous process of assessment to ensure their work is of a high standard, however there are many experienced counsellors and therapists who have worked for years without having gone through the accreditation process.  A therapist’s life experience and commitment to their own therapeutic journey can be just as important as their level of qualifications and academic achievements. 

7. Take your time in browsing what is on offer and write down anything you hadn’t previously thought of that you might want to add to your list – is there something important you need to consider?

8. Make a short-list of at least 5 therapists you like the look of.  Send them all the same brief overview of what you are looking for, including your requirements in terms of session time, location, concessionary rates etc.  Remember: not all the therapists you choose may have availability at a time that is right for you, so it’s better to keep your search broader at this point.

9. When you hear back from the therapists ask them whether they offer a free or reduced rate introductory call or first session.  This will give you the opportunity to meet them and to ask them any questions you might have.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions like ‘do you think your way of working will be helpful for me?’ or ‘how do you normally work with this kind of issue?’  Remember: you are interviewing them!  How do you feel in their presence?  What does your instinct tell you?  Remember trust is foundational in therapy and how you feel with someone can help guide you.

Don’t forget that when you start working with a therapist you can continue to check in with yourself, and with them about how your therapy is progressing.  Most therapists will review with you every few sessions to give you the opportunity to reflect on how your process is going, and how you are feeling within the therapeutic relationship. 

Remember, your therapist is there to support you for as long as you need but should always be working to guide you to your own choices and to help empower you to deal with the issues you are facing.

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Values or rules for living?

Posted on by Rose Grundy in Uncategorized

Sometimes we find ourselves in a position where we feel we are struggling to live life in alignment with our values.  We can experience a state of internal conflict and find it impossible to make decisions, even small ones, consumed by worry about the best course of action, or what might be right or wrong.  This sense of confusion around values and choices can be a recipe for poor mental health, anxiety, self-criticism and perfectionism, and at worse can lead to a prolonged state of inaction or even depression as we battle with our minds and reach no satisfactory conclusion.

Exploring values is often therefore an important part of therapy.  When we are caught in a bind we need to be guided through a compassionate enquiry in order to gently untangle and find our way.  And what we are likely to realise is that our values are not actually what we thought they were….

A true value is something that truly matters to us and creates a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives.  It provides a helpful ‘compass’ in terms of our motivation, a sense of connection and belonging, and contributes to our well-being.  

But often our values are no such thing because what we perceive to reflect our integrity is in fact a confused mix of goals, ideals and codes of conduct that we have developed as a result of what we have been taught, told and sold by people, systems, culture, media and anything else that has influenced our brain as it has developed.  What we consider to be our ‘values’ are actually our absorbed ‘rules for living’ – a set of unhelpful and unrealistic standards that we believe we need to live up to in order to be worthy and receive love.

What is motivating us is actually not coming from within us, but from an idea of whom we ‘should’ be.

A therapeutic process helps to unlock us from our habitual unhelpful belief systems, and to develop new ways of being based on what is authentic and right for us as individuals, creating a clear motivational path forward that is energising and fulfilling.

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